I am not mad at him. even if he hurt me so bad.  I feel betrayed because after all the understanding that I gave him. He can't be totally honest with me. I can't force him to love me. I just sometimes wished he had been honest that he can't love me. What make this more painful was I am starting to realize that he never really love me not even care for what i feel. If he did, he should have stopped then knowing I will get hurt by his inabilities.

I keep on preventing myself from crying. I am not going to cry anymore. what's the use of it anyway. I've already been hurt. I want to just to let out the pain but I won't. I will let it stay there. To remind myself that loving him has brought me to nowhere and I will stop at that. 

I gave up on ever finding someone who will love me. Maybe I am really one of those people whose not meant to be with someone. I was happy alone, what in the hell was i thinking going through this again. Not anymore.

Goodbye romantic love. I don't want to see you again.

Do moving on really have to be a painful process? I am struggling on step 1. It is a very painful struggle. Everytime I thought I was making a progress, I fall back to step 1.

Haizzt. why can loving someone be this complicated? I've reached this age not being bothered by my love life. It was something I was not paying attention to before. Now I am having a stalemate. I mean he said he loved me but why don't I buy it. Maybe it was the little things that said otherwise. I may seem to be just creating my own issue but this have been nagging me for some time now. I don't feel loved at all.

He never held my hands when we walked around. it was always I and he will let it go the minute he gets the chance. I don't get that welcome kiss. I was always the goodbye kiss, it was as if he was so happy to get away. I never met his friends, his family. It may be the small things that ticked me off but it is the small things that matter. i don't need the sweep-me-off-my-feet kind of romance but i want to feel loved. I don't think he can love me the way i deserve.

May be he did love me but not just enough to make me feel secure. or the way I hoped it would be.

i miss my jellyfish marco.. he just dont know how much.

I'm so excited. I just booked my first trip for 2012. My first free weekend for 2012. Yey!

The bitch is off to Hongkong- Macau.

I sometimes wish you get to read this blog. So you would know how much you've always hurt me. I wanted to scream everytime your lies cause me pain.  I want to leave everything I have so I can start a new life without you. I have wasted 2 years of my life hoping you would love me as much as you loved her. I am wrong that is one thing I am certain about.

I am starting to feel that leaving everything behind can make me regain my self-respect. I gave you all the chances to love me. I just wasn't that special girl. 

I want to start all over. If it means leaving my life here and moving on to a new place. a new environment where I can be surrounded by people who understands the hell i am going thru. Minsan naiisip ko kung naiisip mo bang nasasaktan ako? gusto ko syang itanong sa'yo pero natatakot ako sa sagot. Handa ako, na parang hindi sa pwede mong isagot.